


Be a Hero, Practice Safe Sex!

by CleverSkeleton



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Comic-Con, Flirting, Helpful Wade Wilson, M/M, Sex Education, Sexual Tension, Spideypool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 08:13:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21443032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CleverSkeleton/pseuds/CleverSkeleton
Summary: Peter is in charge of the free condom stand at the Comic Convention and Wade just keeps coming back for more.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 324





	Be a Hero, Practice Safe Sex!

**Author's Note:**

> Based on an AU Prompt on tumbler by ALL OF THE PROMPTS
> 
> I found the beginnings of this on my hard drive recently and thought it would be good to finish up and a nice way to get back into writing and posting (I've been away for a bit ^^' ). 
> 
> It's stupid and fun and I've read it so many times for revising now that words have lost all meaning to me but I hope you like it. Maybe I'll do a part two some time but for now, it stands alone.

“Sir I can’t give you any more samples, this is the tenth time you’ve come here today,” Peter Parker tried to be civil as he addressed the man in the Spiderman costume who had been coming to his booth all day. 

At first, he hadn’t known it was the same guy; there were a lot of Spiderman costumes at the comic book and superhero convention. Then, he had found him endearing, it wasn’t often Peter got to talk to an actual fan and this guy sure could talk. Peter thanked his lucky stars he had a secret identity after hearing some of the over-the-top things this guy planned to do if he ever met “the real Spiderman”. But now it was the end of the day and Peter was tired and hungry and annoyed. Gwen was running late at her panel, which meant she couldn’t relieve him from the samples booth to go and get dinner which, considering he’d missed lunch too, did not make for a happy spider. Speaking of which…

“Awe, come on,” the man in the Spiderman suit whined in a voiced that was far too high pitched for his strong build, “Just one more? Us Spidey Bros got to stick together!” The man was referring to the Spiderman t-shirt Peter had been wearing all day (it was a gift, ok…).

“That’s what you said the last three times,” Peter deadpanned, “What are you even going to do with ten condoms?”

The Spiderman somehow manages to wiggle his eyebrows and give a lecherous grin through the mask. It was rather disturbing for Peter to see his aliases with such an expression.

“On second thought,” Peter replied as he started to pack up his stuff, “I do not want to know.”

“Come on, Baby-boy,” he said, leaning on the booth and resting his chin on his hands with a theatrical pout, “You’re not going to leave me to have unprotected sex are you? I could pick up an STD.”

“It’s STI now,” Peter corrected, “And I know for a fact that you have plenty of condoms for protection.”

“You don’t know how much sex I have!” The Spiderman exclaimed straightening back up and pointing a figure at Peter.

Peter smirked, somewhere in his brain he realized he would be inadvertently insulting himself but he couldn’t pass up the opportunity for snark as he replied, “You’re wearing a spider-themed unitard. I know exactly how much sex you have.”

The Spiderman seemed to pause at that. He was silent for a moment before he replied, “That’s a low blow Spidey Bro. That’s got to be against the Geek Code of the Con or something.”

“Not that I know of and, considering I work here, I actually did have to read the code of conduct.”

“No, no, no,” the man ranted, “not the ‘Convention Code of Conduct’, the ‘Geek Code of the Con’; the unspoken rule between geeks not to insult each other’s fandoms and cosplay. I wouldn’t insult you if you came dressed as Ironman (even though he’s a dick) and you can’t insult me for dressing like Spiderman. It’s just not cool. And besides Spidey it hot!!! I would so hit that and we both know I make these spandex look good!” The Spiderman finished his rant, striking a seductive pose as he finished with a hand on hip and one behind his head. He smiled triumphantly. 

Peter blushed for the fifth time that day as the man complimented his alter ego and had to concede he had a point, the man did look amazing in his suit. Peter tried not to be too obvious as he took in the man’s bulging muscles and the barely concealed bulge at his crotch. He actually looked better than Peter himself did in the suit, all rock hard abs and strength coiled in every muscle. Peter had tried to gain muscles like that once. He thought the web-swinging might have helped to build his upper body strength but, while he did become a lot stronger, he still maintained his lanky body type. This guy, on the other hand, was built like a brick wall and was annoyingly taller than Peter. 

Peter sighed, “Yeah, ok, you’re right I shouldn’t have said that but I still can’t give you more condoms. There are people who actually need condoms I should be giving them to.”

“But I dooooo need them Baby Boy!!! Pleeeeease!” the Spiderman wined as he flopped his upper body over the booth, pouting through the mask, “Just one more?”

Peter looked at him for a minute. He considered arguing with the crazy person at his booth then looked at his watch. There were five minutes until the end of the con. He was supposed to have cleaned up the booth and left fifteen minutes ago but he couldn’t carry everything out without Gwen’s help. His stomach growled in protest. 

“Screw it,” Peter huffed and the man’s head popped as Peter pulled out the box of condoms, “I’m done for the day. You can have the rest of them if you’ll help me pack up the booth.”

“You want me to help you take down the condom booth?” the man asked, seaming kind of shocked.

“Yup,” Peter replied as he ducked below the booth and started pulling out boxes of pamphlets about safe sex, “I just need help to take the banner down and to carry everything out to my car. I can’t do it myself and my friend Gwen hasn’t gotten back from her panel yet so…you up for it?”

At the sound of a high pitched squee Peter popped back up to see the guy jumping up and down and clapping his hands together with a huge smile on his masked face, “Hell, yeah, I’m up for it! I can so help you carry stuff to your car. I’ll carry the shit out of that stuff!”

Peter gave a surprised chuckle at the man’s enthusiasm. If he’s known it would be this easy to get help, he would have asked an hour ago. Peter pulled the table clothe off the booth and stuffed it into the box before coming around the front of the, now sparse, table to grab hold of one of the poles holding up the ‘Be a Hero, Practice Safe Sex’ banner.

“Well, you can start by helping me get this banner down,” Peter smiled as the man ran around to grab the other pole. Together they lifted the banner out and wrapped it up around the poles before folding up the table. Peter grabbed the banner and poles while the other man carried the table and boxes (Peter was going to grab the table but the man volunteered and Peter didn’t want to show his super strength by accident). 

The pair made their way through the crowds dodging other convention-goers dressed in crazy costumes. Gwen’s car was at the back of the lot so it was a long walk but it didn’t feel like it with the Spiderman’s company. The guy talked nonstop, excitedly pointing out costumes and rattling on about character accuracy and the difference between the comic book and movie interpretations of said characters. They passed a group of avengers at one point and the man stopped them, begging Peter to take a picture of him with the cosplayers.

“The one thing I don’t get about Spidey though is why he’s so nice to the bad-guys all the time,” the guy said as they finally reached the car. 

Peter gave him a confused look as he shuffled through his pockets for the keys, “Somehow I don’t think criminals actually enjoy hanging upside-down from webs waiting for the police.”

“I would! But that’s not the point. Sure Spidey ties theses guys up and sends them to jail but what about when they get out, they’ll just do worse stuff. And we all know when bad guys inevitably break out of jail they’re gonna come after the guys that put them there. I mean Suicide Squad people! So if Spidey really wants to stop crime he should just kill the bad guys and get it over with.”

“He can’t kill the bad guys,” Peter said, opening the trunk, “that would be morally wrong.” 

“But they’re bad guys!” The Spiderman wined.

“Still, a life’s a life. For all you know they have a loving family waiting for them to come home,” Peter said.

The Spiderman unloaded his burden of boxes and folded table into the trunk while Peter tried to awkwardly jam the poles in between them, “But would they really miss a guy like that?”

“In a word…,” Peter deadpanned, “yes.”

“Uggggggh, fine,” the man moaned, “But he can’t go crying to the Avengers or whatever when Rhino breaks out for the gazzillionth time.”

Peter shut the trunk just as his phone chimed. Looks like Gwen was finally finished with her panel. He messaged her where he was, “Oh I’m sure the Avengers would be more likely to help recapture a criminal that endorse murder.”

“Insanity!” The man said, “they’re all a bunch of goody-goodies!”

“Well, they are superheroes,” Peter smirked.

“Guess, there’s no helping it then,” the man shook his head in what looked like disappointment.

Peter chuckled then looked around having realized they were done with their packing and were standing awkwardly in the parking lot, “Sooooo…” he said, “Thanks for helping me pack up.”

The Spiderman blinked at him, “Oh, right. I guess we’re done. Yeah, I mean, thanks for the condoms.”

“No problem,” Peter said, “It’s what I’m here for.” Yikes.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll be going,” the man said, seeming a bit put out, he turned around and started walking back towards the convention centre. 

“Try not to use them all in one place,” Peter called after him. Fuck, that was stupid. The awkward goodbye was over! Why would he make it worse?

The Spiderman chucked, turning back at that, “So, you’re saying I should use them in different places? Like, does that mean different people too or do you just mean new and fun locations?”

“No, that’s not what I…” Peter exclaimed, yup, he was making things worse, “Here, just take this,” Petter dug through his bag and pulled out one of the leftover safe sex pamphlets from the booth. He jogged over to the Spiderman to give it to him, “I can’t believe I didn’t give you these with all the condoms you ended up taking.”

“Oooo, is this like a Kama Sutra in pamphlet form,” the man trilled, as he flipped through the pamphlet.

“Not so much,” Peter laughed.

“Awwwe, just boring unsexy stuff,” he pouted.

“Strange I thought, I gave you the wild sex in strange places pamphlet,” Peter joked, “My bad.”

“I can show you wild sex in strange places,” The Spiderman winked. 

“Well, you certainly have enough condoms for it,” Peter quipped. Fuck, he needed to stop saying stupid shit. He blushed and looked away. Oh look, there was Gwen coming to rescue him from himself, thank god.

Peter heard a squeaking sound and turned back to see the Spiderman writing something on the pamphlet in permanent marker. Where had that come from? He handed it back to Peter. 

“I case you want to help me with all those condoms,” the Spiderman winked and with that, he spun on his heels and skipped away. 

What? Peter was confused, staring after the Spidey cosplayer, as Gwen jogged up to the car.

“Hey,” She said, “I’m so sorry! The panel ran long and I couldn’t get it to wrap up. You get the booth packed up ok?”

“Huh, yeah,” Peter said, focusing on Gwen, “I got someone from the con to help me out.”

“Oh, was that the guy you were talking to?” Gwen asked as she grabbed the keys from Peter, heading for the driver’s seat.

“Yeah,” Peter said, making his way around to the passenger side.

“Look at you, making friends,” Gwen teased, “What’s his name?”

Peter paused, “You know, I don’t know. I forgot to ask.”

“Peterrrrrr!” Gwen chastised, “How are you ever going to make friends other than me if you can’t even ask for a name?”

Peter laughed and shrugged as he looked down at the pamphlet in his hands. Nothing looked different about it until he opened it up. There, written across the face of a guy happily holding up a condom, it read, “For a good time call Wade Wilson!” and a phone number underneath.

Peter chuckled as he stroked a thumb over the words. He looked out the window for one last glimpse of that spandex covered ass disappearing between the cars. Wade Wilson, huh? Well, maybe the real Spiderman would have to pay him a visit sometime.


End file.
